Opinion Please... I know there are a lot of gramatical errors... im not done with it yet... noteven close...?

Sounds pretty good to me, you caught my interest and kept it until the end. Yes you need to edit and tweak it here and there but I think the core of it is sound, and you have an inclusive writing style that drew me in and made me interested in reading on to find out what happened! Keep up the writing, very interesting very good. Peace! KC